One year ago today at about 7:30am we found out I was pregnant. I've decided that putting on a smiling face and trying to think of the positive things doesn't always help. That just makes me bottle things up and then I explode with tears and all the other millions of emotions I feel.
I think this year is going to be one of the hardest years. Good but hard. This year will be a year of remembering all the pregnancy milestones. I've been told that I need to be grateful for at least being able to experience having at least one child because other women don't get to have that at all. I see their point but like the famous saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"..... I loved being pregnant. It was fun and I felt great about 95% of the time which was awesome. What's hard is that now I know what I am missing out on. If we choose surrogacy then I know that the mommy who carries our baby will be feeling the little one moving around in her belly and all those fun things that go on.
How did I ever take it for granted? I wanted 4 or 5 babies. Thought I would carry them and bond with them all like normal mommies do.
I am grateful that I have the option for surrogacy and adoption but I don't understand and I know I won't until we get to the other side but it doesn't make it any less difficult.
5 comments:
Bree... You are such an amazing woman. I look up to you so much for being so strong with everything you went through. I don't think that just because you mourn the reality that you can't be pregnant again Does NOT make you ungrateful... It necessary to allow ourselves to mourn and feel all of the emotions that come with hardships. I think you are wonderful. We love you
Bree,
You are such a amazing person. You're experience has taught me so much. I think people forget how wonderful and what a blessing it is to carry a child. When I was having a hard day I would think of you and some of my other friends and I would be reminded that every pain and ache I had was a blessing. You reminded me to not take those type of things for granite. Thank you. I know it is not easy for you but our prayers are with you and you have helped me and i'm sure many others more then you will ever know.
When you're having one of those gas bubbles,or really bad heartburn, or can't get comfortable when you're trying to sleep....you will be remembering pregnancy! hehe! I know nothing can take away the hurt you must be feeling, and you are entitled to that, but there will be a silver lining to this...we can only wait to see what it's all been about! oxoxo
I don't think there is anything wrong with having a bad day, it's a day full of emotions and it's okay to be sad. You are such an amazing and strong person. I know this year will be a great one for you and your family. And this year will be a year of baby milestones.
You are completely justified in mourning your loss. Because it is a huge loss. One of the hardest things when you are in mourning is to listen to people's advice and words of comfort.
When I was little, my aunt had twins and one of them died. Someone (who said it kindly and meant well) told her "it is easier this way because if that baby had lived longer, you would have known her better and it would have been harder to give her up." That comment hurt her so badly because she was mourning the fact that she wouldn't ever get to know her daughter in this life and lost her without getting to know what she would be like.
My mom said after that experience that she would try her best to take into account the motivation and intentions of the people who made comments to her when she was in a time of mourning.
When a time of mourning came into her life after that, she tried to take her own advice, but the truth of the matter was that she was too raw and it was too painful. Even when you know someone means well, it still hurts.
No one can ever understand the experience you have gone through and the healing you have and will continue to go through--except yourself and the Lord.
You are completely justified in feeling this way.
In an institute lesson by Michael Wilcox, he told about his son and daughter-in-law adopting a child. He told about the experience of them being sealed together as a family in the temple. He said at that moment that he realized that the priesthood was a stronger bond than blood ties. This baby had not been born to them physically, but through the priesthood, this baby would be theirs for eternity.
You are going to have a large and wonderful family. Brynlee is going to be a sweet and loving big sister and you and Tyler are going to be the best parents.
Sorry this is so long!
I love you!
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