We are changed.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for taking this journey with us, for loving us, supporting and cheering us on. 

We are changed. 

Earlier this year we had another hard decision to make. Several women came forward and offered to be our surrogate. Narrowing down our options to 3 beautiful souls and eventually picking one of these ladies to be our angel surrogate was yet another heart wrenching choice in this already difficult journey. However, we made a decision and moved forward. April started the legal process and it finished in July with a wonderful judge waiving our home study and our court hearing, saving us time and money. We were free to start the part we had been looking forward to for several years. Once our ducks were in a row we did our first transfer in the beginning of September. Out of the 3 frozen embryos we had, we transferred 2. Neither of them took. We got the news the week my sweet nephew was born and it was heart breaking and such an emotionally confusing time. It was hard (the word ‘hard’ is a complete understatement) to see the look on Ty’s face as we got the news that the test was negative. He’s been the rock in this situation and to see his disappointment, tore at the core of my heart. We still had one chance left, so as soon as we could, we did our last embryo transfer. To be clear, after you transfer an embryo there is a 2 week waiting period. It is amazingly ridiculous how the outcome of something so life altering can already be decided but you have no idea and your whole entire life is dependent on this one, very significant, detail. October 21st we got an abnormal, kind of negative, but kind of positive on the test result and, therefore, had to retest on Sunday October 23rd. Without going into too much detail, those two days were spent thinking it was an abnormal pregnancy that we would have to medically abort. In all its irony, those days were spent hoping the test was negative so our surrogate wouldn’t be in danger. It was agonizing. We were devastated. How was this fair? Why didn’t it work? It should’ve worked!! But it didn’t. The ultimate test result was negative and there would be no need for further testing. Our little embryo had implanted, started growing and, for whatever reason, had stopped and didn’t make it. After a week of tireless wrestling with the decision to try IVF again and give it one more shot, we found some peace in the temple that our lives are as they should be, our family is what it will be in this life. 

People mean well and I don’t fault anyone for not knowing what to say. No one really knows how we feel and that’s ok. All they can really say are things like, “Now you can travel a lot more, have a lot more, do more things, etc, etc….” All that is good and gravy. Problem is I would take a baby any day over any of that stuff. People also, in not knowing what to say, say things like, “Well someday you’ll know why all this happened.” Yes, it’s possibly true but as nice and comforting as they are trying to be, it doesn’t help the hurt. It doesn’t fill the void. It doesn’t change the fact that Brynlee won’t have siblings, her kids won’t have cousins on our side of the family, the Thomas name won’t live on through our family and we will never get to experience so many other things. It changes nothing. My intention is not to hurt any feelings or offend, rather to get it out and help those people who want to understand our struggle. And, honestly, I’ve come to the painful conclusion that there may not be a reason for all of this. We live in this crazy thing called life and sometimes, horrible things just happen. It doesn’t mean that you were given that trial for any good reason at all but how you react means everything. Well, I didn’t react very well. I’ve been very angry and it has rocked my world. I’m getting the help I need and Ty is so supportive and strong. I wish I could process everything as well as he does. I don’t know what I did to deserve him. We will survive and be stronger in the end but it will always hurt, there will always be a sting of grief and loss and I think that’s our new reality. 

So now we focus on what we have instead of what we don’t. Literally our lives have completely changed. We move forward, grieving the loss of the life we had hoped and planned to build together and look to another path. Start building a different life together that will have its own set of hardships but also its own pile of joys and good memories. 4 years is a long time, more than half of Brynlee’s little life actually and now it’s time to focus on her. She’s our pride and joy and we are so thankful to have her. Lots of people have asked us if we are going to adopt. We will not actively pursue that path. When do you say, “Enough is enough”? Well, enough is enough for us. We will focus now on what we have and build the future as we are. If for some miraculous reason someone approaches us with a baby, we will, of course, deeply consider it. However, adoption hasn’t ever felt right for us. 

I am ever grateful to all those ladies who came forward and offered something so sacred and personal but that we had to turn down and say no to. Please know that it was never easy to say no, to any of you. You come from all walks of life but have special things in common, you are giving, selfless and love unconditionally. Extremely important and admirable qualities that I wish I possessed more of. Thank you for reaching out and offering such a precious gift to my little family. I will never forget your kindness and you’ll all have a place in my heart forever. 

Also, thank you to everyone that gave so much support throughout the years we’ve been on this journey. We spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to grow our family. Plus the hours and hours of work, at Dr.’s appointments, with our attorney, insurance professionals, hours and hours of heart aches, and we’ve had so much help and support. I can’t forget the fundraisers either, so many people donated, spent endless amounts of time, gave up their weekends, sweated it out with us, to show their love and support. I will always feel indebted to all of you. I’m sorry that everyone’s hard earned money and the work that was put in did not result in a happier ending but we are ever grateful for everyone that was cheering us on and pulling for us to have one more little one. 

In our 4 year journey we have learned so much. It’s brought us closer together, we’ve met amazing people, experienced grief and love so deeply. Deeper than we ever have before.

We are changed. 

 

Love,

The Thomas 3